My friend, Bakingnotwriting, has a cat who talks. He speaks very plainly. I remember the first time I ever went to her condo, he sauntered out of the back, and in his most cordial voice said, “Hello.”
Me: My God. Your cat just said, “Hello.”
Bakingnotwriting: I know. He does that.
Bakingnotwriting: He speaks English. He has a good vocabulary.
I remember at the time thinking, “Wow. I need to get this on YouTube,” but I never can. He speaks when he wants to and if you hold up a camera, he gets very disgusted, and saunters out of the room and either climbs into the dog’s bed or the dryer, where he sleeps on a regular basis.
At different times, I’ve heard the cat say, “cat food,” “no,” and “Delicious” who is his bird friend he pretends to want to kill. He says some other things but they are not as easy to understand because he likes to walk away from you when he’s hurling insults. Sometimes I call Bakingnotwriting late at night, and the cat will be yelling at her from the other room to keep the noise down because he’s trying to sleep. He yells in cat, though. Bakingnotwriting yells back, “Use your words, Mitten,” because Mitten is the cat’s name and she’s trying to convert him to speaking only English.
The other thing he does is give people “The Big Eye.” (See Picture) I’m not sure what The Big Eye means exactly. I’ve seen him give it to Bakingnotwriting behind her back while she was working on her laptop. It looks like he’s staring at what she’s typing and is none to thrilled about it. He’s given me The Big Eye and the dog. He does it on regular basis. Though in general, he is unflappable, he will whip The Big Eye on a situation in a heartbeat, and yes, it is unnerving.
The final trick in his bag is teleportation. That one sounds totally fabricated, and the first time I heard about it I thought it was, but now that I have witnessed it, I’m a believer. Mit Ton, as I prefer to call him, is a very old cat. When he’s walking, he’s very slow with a certain swagger that is not arrogant or condescending. When he’s walking he takes a while to go from room to room, but when he’s teleporting, one second he will be by the sliding glass door staring at his bird buddy, Delicious, and the next second he will be at my feet. It is more unnerving than The Big Eye. When he walks, he has an old claw that is stuck out, and you can hear him click, click, clicking on the hardwood, but when’s he’s teleporting, he’s silent. That’s a tip off that Mitten teleportation is in progress. I do not like the teleporting one bit. Half the time I will be standing in the kitchen ready to pour some water for my tea and yelling “Where’s the cat?” Almost immediately, he’s at my feet saying “Hello.”