Category Archives: general weirdness

The Last Pay Phones

The last pay phones on the face of the earth were removed and taken to the dump yesterday. One of the workers, who was tossing the phones in the back if his pickup, asked me if I wanted one.

“Why? So I can call 1980? No thanks,” I said. After all, I have a perfectly malfunctioning cell phone from AT&T that hangs up on people mid-conversation.

RIP, little pay phones. Hope you find some friends at the dump.
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Filed under california, general weirdness, pay phone

What’cha been doing?

Here’s what I’ve been doing. Podcasting. With The Lapse Storytelling Podcast.

8 Comments

Filed under entertainment, general weirdness, The Lapse

Prayin’

My nightly prayer as a child growing up in the Bible belt:
“Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.”
When you are young, you kneel by your bed, fold your hands and say it. Around 9 years-old, you quit kneeling, climb into bed, fold your hands and say it. Finally, around 11 or 12 you don’t even say it aloud any more. You think it.

And everyone wonders why all the children in the Bible belt have insomnia. Lord, take my soul of I should die before I wake, only sleeping looks a lot like you’re dead so what if God says, “Yeah, the kid looks dead. Take his soul.” God was like the invasion of the body snatchers. I stayed awake in the dark after I went to bed as long as I could, and when I woke up in the morning, I was always a bit startled to still be alive.

My Sunday school teachers added to the hype by saying, “God never takes a day off.” All I could think about was the Lord’s possible sleep deprivation causing mistakes, and he was accidentally snatching up souls, and then later apologizing like God might do by simply saying “My bad.”

Christians don’t believe in reincarnation so it’s not like the Uncharted video game where you die and come back to life. If God snatches your soul accidentally, you have to go with God and God knows where. Finally, one day I taunted God and stole a communion glass from the church after I drank the grape juice out of it. I was sure God was going to tell his minions which were the disciples, only I imagined them short like elves, “We’re going to get this one. She’s a bad egg. No sense in letting her grow up. She’ll be stealing cars, and blowing up cow pastures.” God was right, of course, but he seemed to skip over me, like “oh well. We’ll let this play out. She’ll be sorry she took my little shot glass.”

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Filed under general weirdness, insomnia, religion

Just in time for Halloween

scar

10 Comments

October 27, 2013 · 6:05 pm

Pacifica (De)construction

The city is redoing a bunch of the sewer laterals at private residences here in Pacifica. This is where they store they equipment. I feel like the construction company’s mother. “Go over there and pick that fence up right NOW!” Dufuses.
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Filed under california, general weirdness, Pacifica

WTF 2?

Umm, I never used tags so I don’t know what I was talking about in the post below.

Tomorrow I am going to Goodwill to buy a used brain. Are they open on Sundays? Or are they off talking about hell and Baby Jesus somewhere. I hope Goodwill is open. I also hope the used brain doesn’t smell funky like the stuff at Goodwill does sometimes. Sometimes you have to bring it home and push the “Scald” button on your washing machine and wash the Goodwill item before you can wear it.

Some stuff smells like old person – which as you know may never go away unless you use 1200 dryer sheets.

So, my vision is better. The botox the neurologist tried for the migraines should have worn off about a month ago. It has not. I can only raise my eyebrows a little bit but the eye muscle is better where the botox seeped into it. I can see mostly. And read again. Most of the time.

Going to bed now. Either the dog is dead or in a deep sleep. His hair is still missing from his rump where he backed into a cactus and got 3 needles stuck in his butt. He went to work on them before we figured out his issue and had a little bit ‘o surgery on his buttocks. He is missing a patch of hair now. He’s so embarrassed too. I’ve never met such a proud dog either or one with such a long nose or one that is so stubborn or one that demands so many treats or one who paws are so wall eyed. He doesn’t want to love me but he can’t help it. I am the only one who will scratch his back until his tongue goes in and out of his mouth like he’s having a seizure.

And I can say that. I’m an epileptic. I can also make fun of cancer and brain tumors. You cannot if you haven’t had them. Okay, you can but everyone will think you are a callous asshole whereas people think I am being “brave.” People are nuts. I make fun of everything.

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Filed under dachshund, epilepsy, geezer, general weirdness, Maui, migraine

WTF?

You don’t sign onto WordPress for a month or two and they change everything? What happened to the tags list? 

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Filed under general weirdness

From my local Safeway to you

Not “breakfast cereals”. Not “coffee. Not “meat”. No the Safeway is now selling “incontinence.” Hurry, it might not last. incontinence

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Filed under general weirdness

Handicrapped Parking in CA

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Photo courtesy of Bakingnotwriting

4 Comments

April 7, 2013 · 10:04 pm

Spam

This was in my spam folder this morning.

I directed the leopard as well as hot yellow headphones designed for my little ones birthday. It was usually the one she picked out and in the event the headphones arrived they were not those that she desired or When i ordered. I would not have enough time to send out them rear and order a brand new pair. She said they were ok as well as she purposes them continuously. I was basically disappointed that your wrong product or service was routed.

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Filed under general weirdness